Why is dating so complex? Or at least it seems to be getting more so, given the growing number of people opting for singleness, and often not by desire. I am sure the use of the smartphone has not helped; with its 24/7 contactability, social media, pornography access and a myriad of dating apps, all promising relational bliss with your perfect match. It only takes a few bad experiences, causing regret and guilt, before we are affirming the lyrics to Simon & Garfunkel’s song, ‘I am a Rock’:
I’ve built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain
I am a rock I am an island
Unfortunately, what used to be a fairly simple process has become a minefield. There must be a better way.
We have been exploring Biblical wisdom for dating according to God’s design in our Adult Equip class (you can find the classes here). Let me offer five simple guidelines that I believe will help couples date in a way that honours God and protects from regret and shame, whether the relationship ends in marriage or not.
Love the Lord above all else
When asked by a Pharisee what is the greatest of all the commandments of the Law, Jesus replied:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind … and a second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself” (Matt 22:37, 39).
Loving God before loving others is the key to loving someone rightly. Jesus must captivate our heart before anyone else does. Or otherwise two things will occur: firstly, your love will always be self-orientated and not God-orientated. Secondly, your boyfriend or girlfriend cannot carry the weight of filling up that insatiable desire in all of us, but God can.
To date well begin by loving Christ deeply. Let Him fill your heart and your soul and your mind with a deep desire for Him through His Word, prayer, fellowship and service in and through His church.
Be clear on the goal and move towards it
Why date? That is a pretty important question because if you don’t know the reason you won’t get to where you are going. We are told in Genesis 2:18,
Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.”
Importantly, the reason God determined that it wasn’t good for man to be alone was because the task of caring for the garden, multiplying and having dominion over the earth wasn’t possible alone. Hence, God brought about the first relationship that was consummated in marriage so that together Adam and Eve would serve God more effectively than they would alone.
Therefore, as you are learning to love Christ more deeply and serve Him with earnest look for someone who is living with that same goal so together you might serve His cause to greater effect. Your goal in dating is to marry for the sake of Christ’s glory and the expansion of His kingdom.
Make your intentions clear
This is one of the key points Dean Inserra makes in his book Pure. Couples should be clear on what their intentions are from the beginning to avoid confusion. Asking someone to “hangout for the afternoon” is nebulous, whereas saying, “can I take you out for a coffee so I can get to know you more” is clear. And after a few times together determine if you would like to move to formal dating by asking their willingness to begin officially “dating”. Being intentional removes misunderstanding and helps clarify expectations while not placing on it the weight of future marriage.
And yes, I would encourage guys to receive her father’s blessing to move from casual catch ups to formal dating. This rightly upholds and honours God’s ordained authority figure in her life. Remember, you are not asking her father to marry his daughter. You are seeking his blessing to get to know her more for the purposes of determining suitability for marriage if the Lord leads that way.
Acknowledge what dating is and isn’t
Let’s be clear, dating is not marriage, so don’t act like you are married. Dating is the process you enter to determine your suitability to being married. This means that we should not place too much significance on the dating relationship. Mariage is more than just adding sex to a relationship (assuming you maintain this boundary). Marriage is the merging of body, soul and spirit in a deep emotional and physical union. Therefore, in the dating relationship be careful to keep emotional intimacy to a minimum. Work at treating each other as brother and sister in Christ and not husband and wife. The boyfriend does not have authority and responsibility over his girlfriend as a husband nor should the girlfriend submit to her boyfriend as a wife.
Remember, you have not covenanted in marriage. The relationship is not unbreakable. So, relax and enjoy each other’s friendship, seek to serve the other as you would your brother or sister in Christ as you work toward determining God’s will for this relationship.
Keep yourself pure
Purity before marriage is so important and cannot be over emphasised. We live in a sexualised society where physical intimacy is portrayed as a necessary component to any fruitful relationship while commitment is relegated to an optional extra. However, the Bible rightly tells us that intimacy thrives inside commitment, and it is destructive without it (Prov 6:27-28; 2 Tim 2:22). Therefore, The Apostle Paul tells us to not give ourselves to “sexual immorality and sensuality … But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom 13:13-14). To the church at Thessalonica Paul also said that “each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor” (1 Thess 4:4).
One of the greatest regrets from broken relationships is the regret of “going too far”. When we do this, we are stealing something that does not belong to us. We are acting out of selfish desires and not out of love. We are adding a complexity to the relationship that clouds us in determining if this person could be a suitable spouse. Therefore, be clear on the boundaries you set. Be careful of placing yourself in situations that will lead to sexual sin and be accountable to a couple who know you well.
Dating does not need to be difficult nor end in regret, guilt and shame. God has made us male and female that we might come to know each other in a beautiful and profound way and He has given us wisdom to pursue His beautiful design. As you venture into dating may you not see it as a minefield, hesitating with every step, but as time to enjoy and have fun as you get to know each other and treat each other with purity, honour and dignity. I hope and pray that these simple guidelines offer you help and clarity around a subject that is often lacking such things. May you date without regret.
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